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A Survivor of Childhood Sexual Molestation, NOT a Victim

I am a survivor of childhood sexual molestation, NOT a victim. As an openly gay man, I often look back to that experience and wonder at times if that is a part of why I am gay. It's not. But I can tell you it takes courage to face our pace and let go of the outdated beliefs we have about ourselves that no longer serve us.

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Childhood Sexual Molestation

Let me repeat, I am a survivor of childhood sexual molestation, NOT a victim. And just so we’re clear, I am not looking for your sympathy here. Like the rest of the Heart-Centered Creator project, my intention here is to help you show up in an authentic way and to create and live a life you love. Allow me to explain…

At the time, I was seven to eight years old, and the perpetrator was a boy not much older than myself, maybe about thirteen years old at the time. He was the son of an ex-boyfriend of my mom.

Childhood Sexual Molestation

In the beginning ,it started with inappropriately touching and grabbing in the back seat of the car when he thought our parents were not looking. Over time, it progressed much further—the details of which I do not need to indulge here.

From what I remember about that time, was that it felt strange. I knew what was happening was wrong; I knew it was terrible. On the other hand, I will admit that a part of me either enjoyed the physical pleasure or at least the attention.

As an openly gay man, I often look back to that experience and wonder at times if that is a part of why I am gay. Older and wiser now, I can tell you with an assurance that the experience is not the reason I am a gay man.

Childhood Sexual Molestation

What I can also tell you for sure is that when I look back on those times and remember that experience, I remember a small boy who lost his joy, spark, smile, and happiness. It was in that experience I lost my “childhood innocence.”

I can look back at photos from when I was that age and see the smiles had faded away. From what I can recollect, I was, for the most part, a happy child before this incident.

Childhood Sexual Molestation

As a young boy, I never met my biological father. And the man who I thought was my father (whom my mother met and married before I was born) I would later find out was not only my father, and then, I would discover he had never even adopted me.

These were issues I’ve held onto and resented for many years. Another story entirely, but my point in sharing is to say I had very few healthy male role models in my life growing up.

Childhood Sexual Molestation

So, why now am I sharing this with you? Well, we live in a culture that tells us, especially men, being vulnerable and sharing such things is not only inappropriate but “weak.” Here on planet Earth, our current society tells us men are supposed to be strong and silent, burying our emotions deep inside.

I’m here to tell you, I have never been very good at subscribing to the stereotypical philosophy of “how a man is supposed to be.” Frankly, I believe it is an outright lie—an illusion meant to keep us human beings suppressed and our authentic joy and happiness just beyond arm’s reach.

And while I did not have great male role models growing up, I did have strong women who raised me the best way they knew how: my mother and my grandmother. They did the best they could with the resources they had. And though I’ve never told her, I believe my mom is one of the most courageous people I’ve ever met. And, I think she did okay; I’ve turned out to be a good man if I don’t say so myself. Thank you very much!

My mother and my grandmother taught me, among other things, that despite adversity, how to be kind, compassionate, caring, and sensitive to others – whether it was intentional or not. I think it could be just the nature of feminine energy, which I was surrounded by it most of my childhood.

Childhood Sexual Molestation

Stereotypically, an uneducated fool might label me a “momma’s boy” or a “sissy.” But, I am here to tell you, regardless of being an openly gay man, I am anything but a weak “momma’s boy.” Furthermore, that didn’t make me gay either.

My environment may have had some influence, but I am confident that being a man physically and sexually attracted to men is just part of who I am. All of the above, by the way, I am pretty proud of – I am proud of the man who I have become and who I will continue growing to be.

As far back as I can remember, I have always been an empathetic person – highly aware of the people’s emotions around me. Sometimes, I can feel them so strongly that I can easily absorb them as my own if I am not mindful.

I can be in a room with someone, and if they are upset or sad, I can feel it. And if I ask, and the response is “nothing, I am fine.” Let me tell you: there is nothing that drives me more insane.

I’m sharing this story with you because, I repeat, I am a survivor of childhood sexual molestation, NOT a victim.

I’ve come to learn that if this project is going to be successful, I have to be willing and able to be completely vulnerable, transparent, and openly honest. After all, if I am going to “educate and inspire others from my creativity within,” I have to practice what I preach. Right?

I have learned through my life experience that vulnerability is not weakness—it is courage. To be completely honest with me and succeed in my soul purpose means acknowledging my past and accepting it. Then, forgive those who have wronged me and, more importantly, forgive myself. And then, finally, let it go.

Heart-Centered Creator, especially over the last twelve months, has been about just that: taking the culmination of my life experience and the expertise of my career and figuring out how to combine them into something that I can teach and share with others to help them awaken higher states of consciousness and expand their creativity within.

Jason Samadhi (with Mila), Heart-Centered Creator, Playa del Carmen

As a man who went through childhood sexual molestation, I’ve spent most of my adult life in “fight or flight” mode, moving from place to place, and running from my past.

At forty-four years old, it has taken most of my adult life to learn how to accept, embrace, forgive, and let go of the pain from my childhood.

From the beginning of my spiritual awakening, when I lived in Palm Springs, California, to the present day here in Playa del Carmen, México, I am learning to forgive, heal, and let go of that past. I am learning not only to forgive those who have wronged me but also how to forgive myself.

I’m very self-critical, to a fault. The real work of healing is an ongoing work-in-progress. On the other hand, I know who I am. I am who I am because of the experiences in my life that brought me to this place today. And, for that, I am grateful.

It takes courage to face the past, the fears we have about ourselves – letting go of those old, outdated, and unnecessary limiting beliefs we’ve held onto about ourselves. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, I am here to tell you that each of us can heal based on our own life experiences.

I have learned it’s okay to be vulnerable, authentic to our most truest-self, and our highest purpose. I will always encourage others to speak up and share their truth. We all deserve the chance to realize our full potential as creative beings—helping raise the love, compassion, awareness, and vibration of others in the process.

So, speak up and share your truth—you will be okay!

It may be difficult and painful at first, but it seems to me when you do give voice to your dark secrets, you can begin to decrease their negative hold over us and release them. We all deserve to embrace the joy, happiness, and bliss is our birthright as the beautiful, creative, human beings we are.

I have a philosophy. And recently, a friend summarized it quite well. He said this, “Jason represents the human ascension of spiritual awakening, and through that being more creative, and using the right tools and technology we have available to us now to empower our communication.”

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Jason Samadhi

Jason Samadhi

Jason Samadhi provides breathwork healing, creative direction, and purpose-driven web design to help you heal, create, and design a life you love and thrive online, selling your business with heart and soul.

4 Comments

  1. John Estabrooks

    Very well written. I understand what you are saying. Your Honesty in sharing your experience gives me hope in my own acceptance of my journeys as well. I have spent many years, fight and flight or just plain numbing my existence, which has led me to searching for connection and support, through esoteric classes, never seeming to fit in with other gay men. Your breathing classes are so powerful and have got me to this point in time that i am ready to learn and work through the issues you have mentioned. Lots of common ground. I have felt too vulnerable at times to share with this level of truth. I love your strength and thank you for this blog. Looking forward to doing more classes with you through Heart-Centered Creator.

    Reply
    • Jason Samadhi

      Hi John! Thank you for sharing. It’s not easy being vulnerable, but vulnerability is courage. Speaking from experience, it clears the shadows of the pain, shame of the past and makes room for the things that matter most—joy and happiness. Looking forward to jumping back in the breathwork classes. Hang tight my friend… They’re on the way. I’ve just got a few more things I’ve gotta get up here on the website. Lots of exciting stuff to come (and a few things you’ve already been apart of!) Watch this space. Thanks again my brother, it’s exciting to see your growth. 🙂

      Reply
  2. Phil McAuliffe

    Thank you for writing such a beautiful post. I recognise the courage you’ve shown in sharing some of your story. It’s a privilege and honour to receive your story. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Jason Samadhi

      Phil, you are most welcome. And thank YOU for being such an inspiration. Your courage to help other men in our community heal is exactly the kind of motivation that got me past my own fears. Namaste brother! Jason

      Reply

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